Chatter: Turn Down Your Inner Critic & Turn Up Your Inner Coach

17 minutes ago

5 min read

Often the biggest thing holding you back isn't your ability, but the conversation you're having with yourself.

That feeling you experience when you're about to speak in a senior meeting, present to peers, put yourself forward for a promotion, challenge a decision or take on a new opportunity.

On a logical level you know you have the experience, the skills and that you've earned your place at the table. However, somewhere between preparing and taking action, your inner critic pipes up:

“What if I get it wrong?”

“Perhaps I'm not quite ready.”

“Everyone else seems to know what they're doing.”

“What if they discover I'm not as capable as they think?”

It results in your over-preparing, second-guessing yourself, staying quiet or waiting until you feel

more confident.

How do I know? That was me for the entirety of the first half of my career.

Recently, I’ve been reading the book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by psychologist Ethan Kross where he explores this internal dialogue. Such an interesting and insightful read.

His research offers an important insight: our inner voice can be an incredibly useful tool for planning, problem-solving and making sense of the world but when it becomes repetitive, negative and self-critical, it can turn into 'chatter'.

This mental noise can consume your attention, fuel anxiety and undermine your ability to perform.

The good news is that you can learn to change how you respond to the chatter (your inner critic) and deliberately engage your inner coach instead. Whilst your inner coach isn’t a specific scientific construct, it is a useful metaphor.

Our inner critic tends to:

Question
Judge
Focus on what might go wrong

Our inner coach takes a different approach. It encourages us to step back:

Recognise our strengths
Challenge unhelpful assumptions
Focus on what we can learn and do next

When you experience self-doubt, engaging your inner coach helps to ensure that your inner critic isn't the loudest voice influencing your decisions.

Kross explores techniques such as psychological distancing: stepping back from our thoughts and looking at a situation more objectively. One way to do this is to ask yourself:

"What would my inner coach say to me right now?"

Instead of "I'm not good enough to lead this project", your inner coach might ask:

"What experience and strengths do I already have that will help me succeed?

"What do I need to learn?”

“What's my next step?"

This also connects with the work of psychologist Kristin Neff on self-compassion: treating ourselves with the same understanding and encouragement we would offer someone else. A question I often ask my coaching clients when their inner critic is being particularly harsh.

A moment that might feel familiar...

A few years into my career, I took a step up in a new company. My previous manager and leadership team had been super supportive and pushed me as they saw me as highly capable, although I was struggling to recognise my own value. I moved from an onsite team of 10 to a remote team of 3 and my chatter was very loud.

I felt like a fraud. I kept thinking ‘people will know that I’m not very good and that I don’t know what I’m doing.’ Panic set in big time. It was so bad that I used to ring my previous manager and ask his advice every time something non-routine cropped up. In the beginning he was obliging but eventually, he said to me “Gemma, you’ve got to stop calling me up. You know the answers. You know what you’re doing, and you don’t need my help.” Well, I panicked again my safety net had been removed.

I told myself that I needed to trust myself - I had my Chartered HR qualification which I’d spent a year studying for and some previous experience. I reasoned with myself that I couldn’t possibly know everything. So, when a manager presented a challenging case to me and I felt the panic rising, I told myself to listen to the details, gather the facts and if I didn’t have a sound response and course of action, I would tell them that I would look into it and get back to them.

Now, don’t get me wrong - it totally went against every fibre in my body. Not being able to give an instant response - my chatter said, “they’ll know you don’t know what you’re doing.” However, nobody ever pushed back because I always went back to them in a timely manner - I was reliable and consistent. The more I did it, the easier it got. By giving myself permission not to expect to have all the answers all the time on all things, it gave me the space to learn and build up my confidence. Little did I know at the time, I was engaging my inner coach.

Three things worth remembering

Your thoughts aren't facts: Just because you feel unqualified doesn't mean you are
You can choose which voice you listen to: Your inner critic may have something to say, but your inner coach can offer a more balanced and constructive perspective
Confidence grows through action: You don't have to feel completely ready before taking the next step

Three things you can try today

Recognise your inner critic: Notice when it appears and what it's telling you. Don't automatically accept its version of events
Engage your inner coach: Ask yourself, "What would a supportive, wise and constructive coach say to me right now?"
Take one courageous step: Act on the advice of your inner coach rather than waiting for your inner critic to give you permission!

Three questions to reflect on

Where is self-doubt currently influencing a decision or opportunity in my career?
What am I telling myself that I would never say to someone I respect?
What might become possible if I stopped waiting to feel confident and started trusting my capabilities?

A final thought...

You don't have to become someone else to feel more confident. You may simply need to start recognising the strengths, experience and capability that are already there. What would be possible if you started giving your inner coach more airtime?

Perhaps the most important coaching relationship you develop is the one you have with yourself. 💚

If you recognise yourself in this, perhaps it's time to have a different conversation.

I work with professional women to build self-belief, navigate self-doubt and develop the confidence to pursue opportunities and lead in a way that feels authentic to them.

If you'd like to explore what that could look like for you, I'd love to hear from you. Let's start a conversation.

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