Self-Esteem v Self-Confidence (they’re related but not the same)

Gemma Hogan_Talenta Ltd
Apr 28
7 min read

You can look put-together, sound sure, and even succeed, while your self-worth is still up for debate in your own head.

Low self-esteem can feel like a personal flaw, something you ‘should be over by now’. Very often it’s better understood as a set of learned expectations about yourself and other people, shaped over time by early experiences and reinforced by what happened next. In this blog, I’ll explore three lenses that can make low self-esteem more understandable (and more changeable): early childhood imprinting, root cause analysis, and Gestalt theory.

*Disclaimer - whilst I am a certified Coach, I am not a therapist so if you feel overwhelmed or triggered whilst attempting any of the exercises, please stop immediately and talk to a family member, friend or trained professional.

Self-Esteem v Self-Confidence

For a long time, I thought that self-esteem and self-confidence were the same thing, but they’re not; they’re radically different. We tend to use them like synonyms, but they aren’t. One is about ability and the other is about worth. Mixing them up keeps a lot of people stuck.

Self-confidence is mostly about capability - “Can I do this?” It can be domain-specific, for example, confident at work, not in relationships. It’s your belief in your abilities, skills, and competence to succeed in specific situations. It is often external, situational, and built through experience.

The word ‘confidence’ originates from the Latin word confidentia, meaning ‘trusting, bold,’ which is derived from confidere (‘to put trust in’ or ‘have strong trust). It combines the prefix con- (meaning ‘with,’ ‘together,’ or ‘completely’) and fidere (meaning ‘to trust’). Therefore, in essence it means to have strong trust, either in yourself or in others.

Self-confidence says: “I can handle this.

”Self-esteem is more about worth - “Am I good enough / acceptable / lovable?” It tends to feel global, especially when it’s low. It’s your overall sense of self-worth and how you value yourself as a person. It’s internal and enduring.

‘Self-esteem’ stems from the Latin verb aestimare, meaning ‘to judge, estimate, or value’. It refers to the personal evaluation or value an individual places on themselves, with early usage appearing in literature to denote self-respect.Self-esteem says: “I’m worth something even if I can’t.”

People can have high competence and still struggle with low self-esteem - for example, doing well externally while privately feeling like an impostor, ‘too much’, or never quite safe to relax. This was my experience and is something I experience often with high performing, successful coaching clients. Some of the most capable people I know are quietly running on self-doubt. They’re confident in their skills but uncertain about their value. Often, they feel proud of what they’ve done but uneasy about who they are - this is the gap between self-confidence and self-esteem.

I was also one of those people. Most people think I’m really confident but I’m quite introvert and for many years I had low self-esteem. People saw my visible, often forced, self-confidence, but what they couldn’t see was my invisible self-esteem. I became adept at masking it, but it was exhausting - I used to avoid new situations, busy social events, networking, being the centre of attention, public speaking, presentations, speaking up in meetings. I had to go take a lie down!

Discovering Coaching

The shift for me was when I experienced an unexpected relationship break-up which also coincided with a career crisis where I accidentally found myself engaging a coach. I was feeling hurt, frustrated, angry and lost. I had the opportunity to attend a Coaching and Mentoring taster session through the CIPD, and I was blown away by the facilitator who was a warm, highly experienced coach. She offered us all a free 1-hour taster coaching session with her, and I knew in that moment that I had to engage her as my coach. At the time, I didn’t have any concept of the financial investment, and it was more than I had envisaged but deep down I knew that I needed to make it work no matter what and so I did. It’s probably THE best investment I’ve ever made.

This is often a dilemma when people consider coaching. Often, I hear people saying it costs too much and I think that if you approach it as a ‘cost’ you can quite easily talk yourself out of it. Whereas, if you see it as an ‘investment’ that will help you to really understand yourself, how past experiences are holding you back, develop new strategies, identify your core values, what energises you and what you truly want out of life and developing the courage to go after it, the return on investment is huge in terms or your personal growth, happiness and fulfilment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an easy ride but it’s the better alternative to staying stuck.

Early childhood ‘imprinting’ - how self-esteem templates get formed

In psychology, ‘imprinting’ is sometimes used informally to describe early, durable learning, the kind that becomes a default setting. In early childhood, we learn through repetition, relationship, and nervous-system regulation, not just through words. Over thousands of everyday moments, as a child we pick up implicit answers to questions like:

Am I safe when I’m upset?
Do I matter?
What do I have to do to stay connected (be quiet, be perfect, be helpful, not need anything)?
If I make a mistake, do I get comfort, guidance… or shame?
Are other people predictable, or do I need to stay on guard?

When these early ‘answers’ tilt toward insecurity or conditional acceptance, self-esteem often develops around strategies rather than a steady sense of worth - people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-achieving, hiding needs, avoiding conflict, or staying small. These strategies usually began as intelligent adaptations - ways to keep connection, reduce criticism, or manage overwhelm in the environment a child had.

A quick note on blame: understanding early influence isn’t about diagnosing parents or reliving a trial. Children are shaped by many factors including caregiver capacity, stress, loss, culture, schooling, temperament, and ‘fit’. The point is simply that if low self-esteem is learned, it can be re-learned. I can vouch for this from my personal experience and journey.

Using Root Cause Analysis to understand low self-esteem - without getting stuck in the past

Before I started my personal coaching journey, I already had quite a strong sense of self-awareness through previous development opportunities, but the coaching helped me to go much deeper and to identify the root cause of my low self-esteem and low confidence which fed into my imposter syndrome.

Root cause analysis (RCA) is a structured way of asking “What’s driving this pattern?” In personal growth, the ‘root cause’ is rarely one single event. It’s more often a root pattern - a learned meaning. For example, “I’m only valued when I perform”, plus a coping strategy, for example - perfectionism, that made sense then and keeps running now.

RCA Exercises

One simple way to apply RCA to self-esteem dips is to map three layers:

1️⃣ Trigger (now): What just happened? What was said, done, or implied?

2️⃣ Meaning (then + now): What does my mind conclude about me? For example, “I’m failing”, “I’m not wanted”, “I’ve disappointed them”.

3️⃣ Protection strategy: What do I do next to prevent pain? For example, over-explain, withdraw, overwork, numb out, lash out, people-please.

If you want to go one step deeper, try a gentle ‘5 Whys’ approach (stop if it becomes

overwhelming):

Why did that moment hit me so hard?
What did it seem to prove about me?
When have I felt this exact feeling before (earliest memory, not most dramatic)?
What did I need back then that I didn’t get (reassurance, protection, permission, encouragement, repair)?
What did I learn I had to do to cope (be perfect, not need, not speak up, stay useful)?

Example: You receive neutral feedback at work and spiral into “I’m useless.” RCA might reveal the hidden rule: “If I’m not excellent, I’ll be rejected.” The protection strategy could be overworking, over-apologising, or avoiding visibility. Seeing the rule clearly is powerful because you can start testing whether that rule is actually true in today’s relationships and workplaces.

Where Gestalt fits - changing self-esteem through awareness, not self-criticism

Gestalt therapy is less focused on analysing your story perfectly and more focused on what you are experiencing ‘right now’ because old learning shows up live in the present as sensations, impulses, emotions, and familiar self-talk. This matters for self-esteem because low self-esteem often isn’t a thought you choose; it’s a state your system drops into.

Here-and-now awareness: noticing what happens in you as low self-esteem arrives (tight chest, collapsing posture, urge to explain, blank mind). Awareness creates choice.
Figure/ground: an unmet need (approval, safety, reassurance) can become the ‘figure’ that dominates attention, while your strengths and evidence fade into the background.
Unfinished business: feelings that weren’t safe to express earlier (hurt, anger, grief) can remain ‘unfinished’ and leak into current situations as disproportionate shame or fear.
Contact boundaries: low self-esteem often comes with protective styles such as people-pleasing (merging), withdrawal (disappearing), deflection (joking), or projection (assuming others judge you). Naming your style reduces its power.

Three gentle experiments you can try

1️⃣ Track the moment self-esteem drops - next time you notice the dip, pause for 20 seconds and write: “Right now I’m telling myself…” and “Right now my body is…” This interrupts autopilot and builds awareness.

2️⃣ Give the inner critic a job title - instead of “This is me”, try “This is my Inner Perfectionist / Inner Scanner / Inner Pleaser showing up to protect me.” Then ask: “What is it trying to prevent?”

3️⃣ Try a short two-voice dialogue - on paper, write 3 lines from the critic, then 3 lines from a calmer, supportive part of you that responds with facts and care. Keep it simple - reassurance, permission, and one next step.

A final reframe - bringing it together

Early imprinting helps explain why low self-esteem can feel so convincing - the pattern was learned early, repeated often, and stored not just as thoughts but as body-level expectations.

Root cause analysis helps you identify the rule underneath the reaction - the meaning and protection strategy that keeps the pattern going.

Gestalt brings change into the present moment by building awareness, completion, and choice, rather than more self-criticism.

If you take one thing from this, let it be this - low self-esteem is often a protective adaptation, not a character defect. When you can see what it’s protecting you from, you can start building new forms of safety - relationships, boundaries, self-support, and more accurate beliefs about your worth.

This is my ‘why’ when it comes to coaching. Because I spent so many years stuck, frustrated and unfulfilled but was able to break through it all, I help other talented women to do the same. 💚

Note: This blog is for education and reflection, not a substitute for therapy. If exploring early experiences feels activating or overwhelming, consider working with a qualified therapist who can help you go at a safe pace.